When I was young I was told stories of this bear that loved honey, that had friends that stood by him and they all lived happily with a human boy. During that time period I learned to mistake anger with passion, and loneliness for weakness. That time I looked in the mirror with everyone, around and called myself beautiful, my mother loved the self confidence, that was the time I took I mistook self sabotage, as being a happy person. It was when I learned to lie to everyone including myself.
When I was nine my uncle died and at the funeral I tried not to cry and my mother told me good girl, and that is when I learn that hiding how you feel is considered strength. Being born differently leaves a target on your back when you’re a kid.
In my first year of elementary school I rode the bus home with my brother who was a few years older than me, when he was there nothing happened but one day he got sick in an older girl on the bus decided I would be the next victim on the bus. That day she she pointed at me and laughed and said my skin looked weird and took a pair of scissors and cut my skin with it till it bled and said you look better if you weren’t here and then cut a piece of my hair pushed me to the ground and the aisle and said I guess your brother is not here today and that is the day I learned that being ashamed of myself was what kept me safe.
My first boyfriend happened when I was fifteen everyone talked about me because he was a year older and popular, and people started to called me a slut, because of who I was dating. After a few months of dating he broke up with me suddenly and had no contact with me for the rest of summer. I later found out that he was cheating on me. The new school year came. The first few days he was spreading rumors about me and everyone came to think I had anger issues. That is when I learned to shut people out.
A few years after my little cousin committed suicide. She was only a year younger than me and I saw how hard the people around her took it and that is when I told myself if I could fool everyone else to make them think I am happy sooner or later I will fool myself.
In my junior year of high school is when depression started to get worse. That year I mistook a blade to my body as healing. That is when it became a new drug. I learn that seclusion was the most important. That it doesn’t matter how you feel as long as everyone else knows that you can walk through life like a ghost, you’re there but not actually living.
My senior years when I learned that I am not my own best friend. I can turn myself a part just as good as anyone else can.
That it is also when a guy taught me strength can be you find in love. That is when I learned that I can look at myself in the mirror and think I am beautiful. That the pain never changed but the way you deal with it can. And that it is okay to lose a temporary battle as long as it stays temporary. He taught me how to not give up.he told me I was beautiful and for the first time i trusted his words.
Poem's With Springs 